Dealing with ups and downs, I have realized that even on my bad or dark days I have a pretty great life. I am not writing to brag about my life, but to remind myself that the sun will rise even on my darkest days. Everybody’s dark days are different and my experience doesn’t speak for everybody’s, but maybe it’s relatable.
This semester I have already missed several classes because of not being able to get out of bed. It sounds silly; like how can you physically not be able to move and go attend something for two hours. That is the smallest issue I am dealing with that morning. My alarm goes off, the beeping reminds me that its time to get up and be productive. The thought of having to interact with people makes me regret setting the alarm the night before. The friendly faces that pass me on the way to class, they are happy for another day; why? I barely have the strength to pull my lips back to form a manufactured smile in response to their “good morning” and they pass. All the fake plans I will have to make up over the weekend to tell my classmates who ask how my weekend went; all the fake questions I have to ask about their weekend. If I don’t respond to them, they will think I am antisocial and don’t like them. Which is true for today, but I hope will not be the case tomorrow.
The professor writes out questions on the board for us to answer, but I don’t volunteer to solve them. The problems are completed in my notebook, but I can’t bear the thought of standing up in front of the classroom; what if my answer is wrong? Halfway through the semester, sitting in a small community college classroom of about 15, I shouldn’t be afraid of the judgment from my classmates; but I am. I know I am not stupid, I know the material, but I don’t want them to see my flaws. I don’t want anybody to see my flaws.
Class comes to an end and before I am out the door, my headphones are in and I am heading home. On my way home, is one of the highlights of this dark day. Home; where my bed is. My bed, the one spot I feel comfortable. The soft mattress helps the blankets engulf me and make me feel safe. The lights are off and the fan is on me, dark and cold places relax me. Trying to balance my anxiety with the environment, I play music. Majority of the music has no upbeat drums, no guitar solos, and nothing but calm slow music. One artist I prefer is James Arthur. His low voice with the slow pace helps to ease my mind.
My biggest mountain I have yet to climb is the thought of why I feel this way on my bad days. I can blame the unbalanced chemicals in my brain, or scarier, try to figure out what is making me so depressed and anxious. My life is pretty good, compared to what It could be. I could still be running around with my group in high school; the parties, drugs, alcohol and created a life of just those things. I’m glad to have parents that support me while trying to get my life started. I have great friends who go beyond to help me. It helps that my friends also want to better their futures and keep pushing me to keep going. My amazing boyfriend is always there for me when I need him. I can’t explain how thankful I am for him. Without going into detail about my life, I have more to be thankful for then to be worried or depressed about. The ideas of what I want my future to be, keep me going and trying to overcome my bad days. I keep telling myself that its worth it in the end; like everybody does. It’s about time I believe what I’m telling myself. The dark days make me forget all about these beautiful aspects of my life. I am blessed to be alive even though it may not seem like it today, but tomorrow is a new day.